PTSD - 2

As much as I would like to shout from the rooftops that I am cured from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I am not. I have good days and not-so-good days. Today would fall under the latter. I have made some significant steps with the help of all of the people that support me and of course God.

I have been going back to therapy. I see Cheryl Wolf, a wonderful and very empathetic therapist (www.integralhealercwolf.com). She has been helping me through cognitive therapy. In my sessions with Cheryl, we talk through how I am handling triggers. A trigger is something or someone that sets off a chain of associations, thoughts, emotions, and memories. She also helps me work through the aspects of PTSD that I do not understand. Cheryl is also very reassuring and answers any questions I have about thoughts or behavior.

I have also started to see a psychiatrist in town. I see Dr. Xu at Provena St. Mary’s Behavior Health Network. Dr. Xu works mainly with medication. He helps me to understand which medication would be best to help me and how to take it appropriately. He also helps me to understand side effects and the adjustments I will see as a result of the medication. I see him every few weeks to talk about how the medication is working. If I need an adjustment in medication he will take care of that. I have only seen him twice, but so far he is pretty nice. He has prescribed a new medication to help me work through the symptoms of PTSD and the subsequent depression. I will readily admit that in the beginning I was hesitant about taking medication. I have had several conversations with people about it. I have come to the conclusion that there is medication for colds and the flu. We have medications for headaches and stomach pains. Why not take a medication that will help relieve the symptoms of PTSD and depression? Few have argued that this type of medication is not necessary and should not be taken. My response to them is to come back and talk to me when they have been dealing with an issue like this for a week or two (or in my case years).

The next step in my recovery process is trying something new. I am willing to confess that I am very nervous about this step. I am seeing another therapist, in addition to Cheryl, that specializes in a process called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). EMDR “attends to the past experiences that have set the groundwork for pathology, the current situations that trigger dysfunctional emotions, beliefs and sensations, and the positive experience needed to enhance future adaptive behaviors and mental health. During treatment various procedures and protocols are used to address the entire clinical picture. One of the procedural elements is ‘dual stimulation’ using either bilateral eye movements, tones or taps. During the reprocessing phases the client attends momentarily to past memories, present triggers, or anticipated future experiences while simultaneously focusing on a set of external stimulus. During that time, clients generally experience the emergence of insight, changes in memories, or new associations. The clinician assists the client to focus on appropriate material before initiation of each subsequent set” (EMDR Institute, Inc.) If you want more information on this process you can go to www.emdr.com. I will be seeing Mr. Jon Dodds for this therapy (www.jondoddscounseling.com). Therapists have to go through training to become certified to use EMDR. The therapist that I currently go to does not have that certification. I am lucky that Mr. Dodds is willing to work alongside my current therapist. So far I have only spoken with Mr. Dodds on the phone. He seems very nice. I am very nervous about going and about attempting the EMDR process. Confronting the issues head on that terrify me the most is not something I look forward to.

So why am I writing about this? I have a few reasons. First, I want people to know that while this is a scary issue, it does not need to be hidden. This is also not a problem to be ashamed of. I am not proud of having PTSD, but I do not feel that it needs to be hidden. I have it. It is here and it is part of what makes me who I am. I also want people to understand my never-ending pleas for prayer. This is a terrifying time for me. Every now and then I will have a moment where my body completely relaxes. Almost every time that happens I get a text or an instant message saying that someone is praying for me. That is proof to me that prayer works and that God is, in fact, here with me. I have times when I doubt. I have doubted a few times today to tell the truth. The important part is that deep down I know that He is here and He is carrying me through this. I know this must be true because I am still getting out of bed and I am still pushing through the day. I am pretty sure that this would not be happening if God was not carrying me through. Finally, I write this because it is somewhat therapeutic. It makes me feel a little relieved to see it all written down. I am not completely able to release it, but I think that when I write this all down I am able to give up a small part of the load that I am carrying.

Thank you to all who been so supportive.