If I colored in all of my scars what would I look like? Would I be spotted with decaying drops like acid rain, or would I be covered head to toe in the everlasting imperfection that is my history? Sometimes I sit and examine my hand, my arms, my stomach, my legs. I remember the boiling pain of the iron skillet when I touch the white slash on the back of my hand. I can feel the ripping pain of wood on skin when I run my fingers across the knuckles on my left hand. The thin red line inside my belly button takes me back to the surgery and fear of the unknown. My scars go by unnoticed by others, but I can touch and remember each tearing memory. I can still feel the skin ripping and burning. My scars are constant reminders of my physical history. I wonder through, what about the part of me that no one sees. What does the inside of me, my soul, look like? Am I completely unrecognizable? Would I know myself if I caught a glimpse of my scar-covered soul?
Saturday, February 21, 2009
My Meesh
This is a picture I took of my dog, Meshach, at the Kankakee River State Park last summer. It is probably my favorite and the best picture I've ever taken. I did adjust the contrast, but beyond that it's just the picture. Poor Meesh is usually my model. I try to snag my roommate's daughter, Madi, sometimes, but she gets sick of it pretty fast. I really do love photography. I wish I had more time to spend on it. I would love to be a more devoted photographer. Maybe someday.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The children who go unnoticed
I am a CASA, a Court Appointed Special Advocate. I consider this role a blessing and a curse. I hate that I have to do someone else's job. I hate that I have to watch these children go unnoticed by so many people that are supposed to care for them. It breaks my heart and crushes my soul to see the oldest boy in my case fake laughter to please the adults around him. I hate seeing someone so young look so hopeless, lifeless, and altogether empty.
When I am not being bitter, I think to myself that maybe, just maybe, I can be of some help to these children. I can help them be noticed by someone; maybe not a very important someone, but someone nonetheless. These children are, in part, the inspiration for my blog title. I am fighting for them to be fearless. I want them to live a life of fearlessness. It may not happen, but I can try.
I am far FAR from a poet, but sometimes when I write down my thoughts, they flow in a poetic nature. This is what I wrote the first time I met the oldest boy in my case.
When I am not being bitter, I think to myself that maybe, just maybe, I can be of some help to these children. I can help them be noticed by someone; maybe not a very important someone, but someone nonetheless. These children are, in part, the inspiration for my blog title. I am fighting for them to be fearless. I want them to live a life of fearlessness. It may not happen, but I can try.
I am far FAR from a poet, but sometimes when I write down my thoughts, they flow in a poetic nature. This is what I wrote the first time I met the oldest boy in my case.
He walks down the stairs in bare feet
Unsure of the questions that lie ahead
Mistrust mistaken for shyness
An unknown entity writing all he’s said
Traveling down a path of memories and lies
With quiet and unsure responses
Tip toeing through nameless places
Not wanting to burn bridges
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Random Thoughts
Random Thought #1:
So I decided that I should finish my master's degree. Tonight was the first class of my second to last course...still with me? I am currently questioning many aspects of this program. My first clue, I suppose, was when the professor came in and announced that she would not be giving us a syllabus. Instead, she proclaimed, she would be giving us a list of what she would like to cover; however, this list is not what we will actually be covering. I left class not knowing what we are actually going to be doing. I am fairly certain and I am supposed to go back though.
Random Thought #2:
By day I fight the illiterate and generally unenlightened as the unmasked avenger of all things literature and elements of reading. I am blessed with a large group of unruly, pubescent, and often smelly teenagers. I am a ninth grade English teacher. Through this vocation I have been witness to many mishaps, embarrassing moments, life changing events, and so so so much more. One of my favorite moments happened when a class was reading "The Most Dangerous Game." This short story centers around hunting big game. When we were discussing what big game actually is, one student asked if people ever actually ate elephants. In an attempt to express her profound knowledge another student shouted, "DUH! Elephant ears!" I had to explain to her, ever so gently, that elephant ears are not in fact made from actual elephants. I am sure this will remain a source of shame for her for many years.
Random Thought #3:
Right now I am taking a break from creating an informative packet for my students. When I make these packets I spend several grueling hours trying to come up with the most effective format and the easiest to understand directions. I am usually disappointed when, after handing out said packets, students respond with what seems like five trillion questions. I am always so discouraged because when I am making these packets I am certain that this will be The One. This packet of information will be the most informative and the easiest to understand. While I know I am only leading myself on, I am going to continue with this pipe dream.
So I decided that I should finish my master's degree. Tonight was the first class of my second to last course...still with me? I am currently questioning many aspects of this program. My first clue, I suppose, was when the professor came in and announced that she would not be giving us a syllabus. Instead, she proclaimed, she would be giving us a list of what she would like to cover; however, this list is not what we will actually be covering. I left class not knowing what we are actually going to be doing. I am fairly certain and I am supposed to go back though.
Random Thought #2:
By day I fight the illiterate and generally unenlightened as the unmasked avenger of all things literature and elements of reading. I am blessed with a large group of unruly, pubescent, and often smelly teenagers. I am a ninth grade English teacher. Through this vocation I have been witness to many mishaps, embarrassing moments, life changing events, and so so so much more. One of my favorite moments happened when a class was reading "The Most Dangerous Game." This short story centers around hunting big game. When we were discussing what big game actually is, one student asked if people ever actually ate elephants. In an attempt to express her profound knowledge another student shouted, "DUH! Elephant ears!" I had to explain to her, ever so gently, that elephant ears are not in fact made from actual elephants. I am sure this will remain a source of shame for her for many years.
Random Thought #3:
Right now I am taking a break from creating an informative packet for my students. When I make these packets I spend several grueling hours trying to come up with the most effective format and the easiest to understand directions. I am usually disappointed when, after handing out said packets, students respond with what seems like five trillion questions. I am always so discouraged because when I am making these packets I am certain that this will be The One. This packet of information will be the most informative and the easiest to understand. While I know I am only leading myself on, I am going to continue with this pipe dream.
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