PTSD 6 - Who the Heck am I?

Well, life has been interesting that's for sure. I have had some significantly large steps forward and then a few unfortunate tumbles back. Fortunately, I still have God, Gina, and some really great friends to walk me through the rough patches. I have found that one of the hardest parts of dealing with PTSD, and the consequential side-effects, is trying to figure out who to be instead of who I have been for the past 20 years of my life. This is incredibly difficult. Maybe it should be easy or fun but right now it just isn't. There are times when I am so focused on trying to determine my PTSD-free identity that I lose focus on being PTSD free. I get depressed or overwhelmed by the thoughts of not really knowing who or what I should be. I feel like my high school students must feel: always trying out new identities to see which one could fit. Unfortunately, I have never been much of a shopper. My dad taught me to know what I want, go inside to find it, and GET OUT. He's not much for large crowds. I have been a quick in-and-out shopper for as long as I can remember. Shopping around for a new identity is not my idea of a good time. I feel like I'm stuck in a mall (much like Northfield) that has very limited shop choices and even then it's a small-town mall and the selection in each shop sucks. I have been told that our identities are ever-evolving. This is great news, but what am I evolving from? I get that people change throughout their lifetime, but is everyone so conscious of the transition?

Okay, so when I'm not whining about my life I've been thinking about who I think I am and who I seem to be at this point. Aren't you so lucky that I'm including you in on this personal journey of self-discovery.

Who I thought I was and Who I seem to be

Quiet Vocal when necessary and sometimes more than that
Fairly transparent animated and thus easy to read
Good at doodling but not drawing Good at doodling and not all that interested in drawing
A reader Definitely a reader and quite possibly a writer
Not good enough for certain people Good enough for God
Obsessed with Dogs Lover of animals in general and not obsessed with dogs
Not a talented singer This one's actually true
Really annoying to most people probably annoying to some but if they don't like me they don't need to be around me
Not a very nice person. Blunt to the point of being rude Definitely blunt but not always rude
Laughs too much laughs a lot and that's okay as long as it isn't hiding other emotions
An average teacher a good teacher when I am focused and motivated
Not worth the time of others just as worthy as anyone else
Lover of all things purple I actually like purple but I also like pink, green, blue, and more
Lover of giraffes I do like giraffes but I also like horses, panda bears, lions, and more

Okay...so that's a start in determining the who-I-was-and-who-I-seem-t

o-be issue. Some of it (i.e. favorite color and favorite animal) is a little on the basic side, but at least it's a start. I have been trying to determine some things I should try with the potentially new, but still essentially the same, me. Some possibilities are:

- working with horses somewhere (volunteering)
- writing more often
- being outside more
- getting more exercise but not necessarily working out at a fitness center - just moving more
- not feeling like I have to be obsessed with one particular thing to have an identity
- not feeling like I need to be some sort of social chameleon to belong with different groups of people
- continuing to come up with new things to try

This is probably one of the lesser exciting posts about PTSD (not that the others are thrilling) but this is real. This is part of healing from PTSD. This is what I'm dealing with. It may seem trivial or not worth stressing over but it's where I'm at right now.

PTSD 5 - What a Bumpy Road

Gina is forever encouraging me to write during my bad times. I usually balk at the idea for several reasons. Who wants to read about my inner turmoil? What if writing about the junk that goes on in my head makes me worse? Someone could read this and realize that I should be committed. The list goes on. I’ll try to spare you each tiny detail of my busy brain’s inner workings.

I think my most recent bout with this un-nameable phenomenon began last Friday. I was looking forward to a fun filled weekend with my eleven-year-old best friends. Gina and I were to have eleven-year-old guests for the weekend as their parents were on a ski trip. I was a little nervous about the weekend because having PTSD makes me nervous about most things. This weekend also reminded me of the progress, or lack thereof, that I’ve made thus far. When the plans were made for the girls to stay with us I remember thinking, ‘Oh that’s weeks away. Surely I’ll be better by then.’ When Friday came and I was not 100% healed I did what I do best. I panicked. I was preparing a room for them and after realizing that I wasn’t completely better by my personal deadline I sat down and cried.

This PTSD episode began a little over three months ago. I know that math isn’t my strength, but if I am correct, by the end of February this crap has consumed about one-fourth of my year. I know I have made some significant steps since the beginning, but PTSD has so consumed my life. It is difficult for me to remember what my life was like just five months ago. I tried to remember this morning, but wound up feeling even worse about where I am now. I know that I spend a lot more time worrying. I also spend a lot more time suction-cupped to Gina’s behind (God bless her for her patience with me). I don’t allow myself to enjoy the little things. For some reason I have a hard time allowing myself to appreciate things that used to bring me so much joy. I used to love taking a nap in the middle of the day. I used to love going to Barnes and Noble just for the smell. I used to love daydreaming about adventures I might have in the future. Now I spend so much time being afraid of little things (that are magnified in my mind) that I don’t enjoy all that life offers. I used to daydream about grand adventures that involved traveling to other countries and experiencing all that God has provided. Now I worry that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I would panic and not have my psychiatrist or my therapist five minutes away.

I have spent so much of my life daydreaming. When I was younger and times at home would get really bad, I would daydream my way out of that situation. I would be years older and in college or I would be on some sort of adventure with my reliable dog by my side. I would daydream myself into other families with comfort and safety. Most of my daydreams involved having parents (mainly a mother) that would sit down with me and tell me everything would be okay. Obviously, my daydreams got me through the hard times. Right now daydreaming is next to impossible. If I do manage to squeeze in a daydream my PTSD shoots it down; sometimes before I can even finish the thought. I suppose that is one of the hardest parts about having PTSD. My daydreams were my hopes. PTSD shoots down my hopes and I am left with my deflated dreams piling up around my Chuck Taylors.

One of my cheerleaders posts the most amazing quotes as her facebook status. It’s incredible how many people they touch. Her current status is a quote by Marcel Pagnol, “The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.” Oh do I see so much truth in that. For my birthday, Gina gave me a necklace that says “never never never give up.” It is a quote from Winston Churchill. I think that is a pretty decent philosophy at this point. That phrase came up in church yesterday as well. We were singing You Are My All in All written by Dennis Jernigan. One verse is,

“You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all”

I suppose what I can take from this is to keep pushing. When my days are filled with fears I can keep trying to get through to comfort and peace. When my days are full of tears I can remember that the Lord will fill my cup and I will move on. When daydreams just won’t come or PTSD shoots them down I will hold tight to God’s word that He will get me through. I will hold on to the thread of hope that one day I will be daydreaming again. For right now I plan to “never never never give up.”

PTSD 4 - The Mesmerizer

I am continuing on the road to self-discovery. I have continued to see Jon Dodds for EMDR. I did have one cognitive therapy session with him as well. On a quick side note, if you are looking for a good Christian counselor, I highly recommend Jon. He is caring and intuitive. I very much enjoyed the opportunity to just talk with him. With EMDR there is very little talk. We pause long enough for me to share the filmstrip that is gliding through my mind and then we move on. EMDR has been a very remarkable journey through my past. I have uncovered events that I am sure were diligently buried several years ago. I am confident that EMDR is helping my mind to unwind all of the tangled details of my history.

I have also been discussing my progress with my other therapist, Cheryl Wolf. I shared with Cheryl that I am still struggling with many of the fears and concerns that originally launched me into this world of therapy and self-discovery. Cheryl’s response was unexpected. She asked me if I still wanted to kick butt. I laughed, somewhat bitterly, at this question. Of course I still wanted to kick butt; I just wasn’t sure how possible this butt kicking would be. Cheryl’s suggestion made my breath catch and my heart skip. She wanted to try hypnotherapy. She wanted to hypnotize me. My first internal response was, ‘thank you for the suggestion, but let’s just stick with what we’ve got here.’ Instead, I let Cheryl explain the significance of hypnotherapy in the recovery process. I listened and made some mental notes. When she finished her explanation I asked her a few questions. ‘Have you ever been hypnotized? Has anything bad ever happened when you’ve hypnotized someone? Does it work for everyone?” Cheryl patiently answered each of my questions. She assured me that she has been hypnotized many times. Nothing bad has ever happened when she’s used hypnotherapy. She also explained that hypnotherapy is very effective, but everyone is different. I made an appointment for a hypnotherapy session and left thinking that I still had the option to call and cancel. I spent a few hours throughout the weekend doing research. I asked questions of others that practice or have had hypnotherapy. I concluded that there was no harm in trying.

The night before my hypnotherapy session I spent about an hour practicing yoga. I am not a devoted yogi, but I do enjoy a good child’s pose and the occasional warrior pose. I think spending time with my body the night before my session helped enormously. The day of my hypnotherapy was filled with a mixture of anxious excitement and nervousness. I tend to get my hopes up on new forms of therapy. Because part of my PTSD is having a case of the what-ifs, I spent the day what-ifing like a pro. The time for my appointment was drawing near and I found myself reading a book, Eat Pray Love by Liz Gilbert, that I’ve been working through. The chapters I read dealt greatly with meditation and the subconscious. How appropriate. I sat in the waiting room reading my book and trying to mentally quiet my body. Sooner than expected, Cheryl came out and we went back to her office. Cheryl had me lie on the couch (contrary to popular belief, clients do not always lie on the couch). The process was similar to guided imagery. Cheryl gently guided me in relaxing my body and allowing my subconscious to come to the forefront. At this point I will assure you that I was awake and aware the entire time. My eyes were closed and my body was relaxed, but I knew where I was and was cognizant of what I was saying and doing. With Cheryl as my guide, I walked through some of the more traumatic elements of my past. These events did not originally stand out to me as being extremely traumatic. I had seen and experienced worse, but these events had clearly affected the way I have thought and viewed myself for several years. When the hypnotherapy session ended and I was eased back to a more conscious awareness, I forced my heavy eyelids to open and sat up. It was not until this point that I realized how being hypnotized really felt. Throughout the session I thought, ‘This doesn’t feel much different from guided imagery.’ After sitting up I realized that I had been in a much deeper state of relaxation than I had originally thought.

So, the answer to the question that almost everyone asks: Did it work? Well, I don’t know yet. I have felt relaxed, but I am still nervous and watchful. I hope and pray that this will be a big step on my journey of self-discovery. More than that, I pray that this will be a key in my healing process.

PTSD 3 - A Journey of Self-Discovery

New Years Eve seems like the appropriate time to write about my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) journey. I have been thinking about the whole concept of New Year resolutions. I have seen several posts on Facebook about how 2010 is THE year for this or for that. I am deciding that 2010 is going to be my year of healing. This is turning into a bigger commitment than I would originally have thought.

As mentioned in a previous note, I have started a process called Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR). I have been to four sessions with Jon Dodds (http://www.jondoddscounseling.com). In my first session I told him about the main traumatic event in my life; or at least what seemed to be the most traumatic event in my life. Jon explained to me what the EMDR process is and we made plans to meet again the next week. During my second session, we started to work on the protocol of EMDR. I had to identify a feeling about myself that I wanted to change (i.e. I am afraid, I am not safe). I also had to identify a target image: an image that sort of represents my traumatic event and the statement about me. After having this image in mind Jon started the eye movements. Jon sits off to the side and moves two fingers back and forth in front of me at varying rates of speed. I know that this sounds strange or like I am being hypnotized, but it is actually not like that at all. I am completely cognizant throughout the entire process. During the first session I had a lot of trouble staying focused and it seemed like my brain was not willing to cooperate. I will admit that later that evening I was pretty disappointed. I felt like I had hit another brick wall. After some pep talks, I decided to go to my next appointment with an open mind. My third session with Jon was a lot more productive. We started the eye movements and it was amazing. We identified a target image and after Jon started the eye movements my brain took over. I am not really sure how to describe it, but it is sort of like a film strip of events going through my mind. Every now and then Jon would stop and I would discuss what I had seen. The memories came pouring in. It was a great session. The next morning I woke up and did not have that instant feeling of terror for the first time in months. It was beautifully reassuring. That first day after EMDR was like getting a cast off and not being sure if I could walk on my leg yet. I felt as though I was gingerly stepping through my day. While I was nervous about how I was feeling, it was a very nice break from my normally neurotically anxious mind.

This feeling lasted about a day and a half. I then entered what I refer to as the black hole. I felt like I was worthless. I felt like I had no function. I felt like I was destined for failure. Looking back on this I realize that this may have been part of a grieving process for me. Who am I without PTSD? If I don’t have these constant fears and anxieties then what will become of me? Who am I supposed to be without PTSD? It took a few days to hash through this, but I am starting to realize that me without PTSD can be someone that enjoys watching grass grow. I don’t have to change the world or be a crusader. I can be at peace with me and enjoy the life and the nature that God has created. This is a big concept for me. I am still trying to process it as I type this. My regular therapist, Cheryl Wolf, (www.integralhealercwolf.c

om) has been helping me work through the aftermath of the EMDR sessions. She also helps me to continue the healing process through cognitive therapy.

My fourth session with Jon took place on Tuesday. We discussed the black hole and how EMDR is working for me and then jumped into the eye movements. This session was similar to the previous one. My brain traveled along the filmstrip of events. Some of the events that came up were things I had completely forgotten about. Some of the events that came up were surprising. After going through the process I remember the events and know them to be true. They were just blocked in there somewhere. I know that now is the time to deal with them. I left this session feeling like someone had opened me up and said, “Here…this is who you were.” I felt lighter in some ways and sad in others. It seems that I will be grieving a bit after each session. Perhaps that is the point.

I think one of the hardest things I have had to do is go back to the place with all of these memories the day after EMDR. I went to visit my sister and my nephews. The night before my visit, I felt strong and courageous. The morning of my visit I felt like a frightened child. Gina and I made the journey back to Iowa. The entire event was surreal. I was physically in the place that I had just traveled to in my memory the previous day. I think I was physically and emotionally numb the entire time. I did get to see my sister and my nephews though and as we drove back to the lovely Bourbonnais, I could feel the anxiety and fears melting away. They did not melt away completely, but I definitely knew that I was headed to a safe and secure place.

So what am I learning from all of this? I am learning that God is here and is not leaving me. I am learning that, “He restores my soul; He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.” Psalm 23:3. I am learning that healing is a process. As the year 2010 approaches I plan to continue the healing process and push forward on my journey of self-discovery. I am admittedly scared, but I am excited at the same time.