PTSD 3 - A Journey of Self-Discovery

New Years Eve seems like the appropriate time to write about my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) journey. I have been thinking about the whole concept of New Year resolutions. I have seen several posts on Facebook about how 2010 is THE year for this or for that. I am deciding that 2010 is going to be my year of healing. This is turning into a bigger commitment than I would originally have thought.

As mentioned in a previous note, I have started a process called Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR). I have been to four sessions with Jon Dodds (http://www.jondoddscounseling.com). In my first session I told him about the main traumatic event in my life; or at least what seemed to be the most traumatic event in my life. Jon explained to me what the EMDR process is and we made plans to meet again the next week. During my second session, we started to work on the protocol of EMDR. I had to identify a feeling about myself that I wanted to change (i.e. I am afraid, I am not safe). I also had to identify a target image: an image that sort of represents my traumatic event and the statement about me. After having this image in mind Jon started the eye movements. Jon sits off to the side and moves two fingers back and forth in front of me at varying rates of speed. I know that this sounds strange or like I am being hypnotized, but it is actually not like that at all. I am completely cognizant throughout the entire process. During the first session I had a lot of trouble staying focused and it seemed like my brain was not willing to cooperate. I will admit that later that evening I was pretty disappointed. I felt like I had hit another brick wall. After some pep talks, I decided to go to my next appointment with an open mind. My third session with Jon was a lot more productive. We started the eye movements and it was amazing. We identified a target image and after Jon started the eye movements my brain took over. I am not really sure how to describe it, but it is sort of like a film strip of events going through my mind. Every now and then Jon would stop and I would discuss what I had seen. The memories came pouring in. It was a great session. The next morning I woke up and did not have that instant feeling of terror for the first time in months. It was beautifully reassuring. That first day after EMDR was like getting a cast off and not being sure if I could walk on my leg yet. I felt as though I was gingerly stepping through my day. While I was nervous about how I was feeling, it was a very nice break from my normally neurotically anxious mind.

This feeling lasted about a day and a half. I then entered what I refer to as the black hole. I felt like I was worthless. I felt like I had no function. I felt like I was destined for failure. Looking back on this I realize that this may have been part of a grieving process for me. Who am I without PTSD? If I don’t have these constant fears and anxieties then what will become of me? Who am I supposed to be without PTSD? It took a few days to hash through this, but I am starting to realize that me without PTSD can be someone that enjoys watching grass grow. I don’t have to change the world or be a crusader. I can be at peace with me and enjoy the life and the nature that God has created. This is a big concept for me. I am still trying to process it as I type this. My regular therapist, Cheryl Wolf, (www.integralhealercwolf.c

om) has been helping me work through the aftermath of the EMDR sessions. She also helps me to continue the healing process through cognitive therapy.

My fourth session with Jon took place on Tuesday. We discussed the black hole and how EMDR is working for me and then jumped into the eye movements. This session was similar to the previous one. My brain traveled along the filmstrip of events. Some of the events that came up were things I had completely forgotten about. Some of the events that came up were surprising. After going through the process I remember the events and know them to be true. They were just blocked in there somewhere. I know that now is the time to deal with them. I left this session feeling like someone had opened me up and said, “Here…this is who you were.” I felt lighter in some ways and sad in others. It seems that I will be grieving a bit after each session. Perhaps that is the point.

I think one of the hardest things I have had to do is go back to the place with all of these memories the day after EMDR. I went to visit my sister and my nephews. The night before my visit, I felt strong and courageous. The morning of my visit I felt like a frightened child. Gina and I made the journey back to Iowa. The entire event was surreal. I was physically in the place that I had just traveled to in my memory the previous day. I think I was physically and emotionally numb the entire time. I did get to see my sister and my nephews though and as we drove back to the lovely Bourbonnais, I could feel the anxiety and fears melting away. They did not melt away completely, but I definitely knew that I was headed to a safe and secure place.

So what am I learning from all of this? I am learning that God is here and is not leaving me. I am learning that, “He restores my soul; He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.” Psalm 23:3. I am learning that healing is a process. As the year 2010 approaches I plan to continue the healing process and push forward on my journey of self-discovery. I am admittedly scared, but I am excited at the same time.