I AM SPARTACUS

Life is taking a slight turn. My roommate is currently getting her master's degree in professional/school counseling. She says I'm having an early mid-life transition (aka midlife crisis). Because I am so confused, I have decided to agree. My life was consumed with volunteer work up until June/July.

I was fostering dogs. I still seem to have more than just four dogs in my house, but I'm not officially fostering anymore. Right now I have a gorgeous eleven-year-old German Shepherd. His name is Spartacus. He is looking for a home. Interested?

I was working as a hotline/hospital crisis volunteer for a sexual assault center. The work I did there was almost more aggravating than rewarding. I know that not all volunteer work is meant to be rewarding, but I didn't really feel like I was helping anyone. I had an extremely negative experience with an ER doctor and since then I have just felt a little useless.

I am currently a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate). I would love to vent about this, but unfortunately I'm not supposed to. I will just say that I feel like the system is keeping me from doing anything helpful or useful.

I pretty much feel useless all around. I know this is turning into a "poor me" post, but I am just trying to explain where my early onset midlife-transition is coming from.

Anyway...I am currently trying to "find myself." I have no idea how I am going to go about doing that.

The children who go unnoticed

I am a CASA, a Court Appointed Special Advocate. I consider this role a blessing and a curse. I hate that I have to do someone else's job. I hate that I have to watch these children go unnoticed by so many people that are supposed to care for them. It breaks my heart and crushes my soul to see the oldest boy in my case fake laughter to please the adults around him. I hate seeing someone so young look so hopeless, lifeless, and altogether empty.

When I am not being bitter, I think to myself that maybe, just maybe, I can be of some help to these children. I can help them be noticed by someone; maybe not a very important someone, but someone nonetheless. These children are, in part, the inspiration for my blog title. I am fighting for them to be fearless. I want them to live a life of fearlessness. It may not happen, but I can try.

I am far FAR from a poet, but sometimes when I write down my thoughts, they flow in a poetic nature. This is what I wrote the first time I met the oldest boy in my case.

He walks down the stairs in bare feet
Unsure of the questions that lie ahead
Mistrust mistaken for shyness
An unknown entity writing all he’s said

Traveling down a path of memories and lies
With quiet and unsure responses
Tip toeing through nameless places
Not wanting to burn bridges