Gina is forever encouraging me to write during my bad times. I usually balk at the idea for several reasons. Who wants to read about my inner turmoil? What if writing about the junk that goes on in my head makes me worse? Someone could read this and realize that I should be committed. The list goes on. I’ll try to spare you each tiny detail of my busy brain’s inner workings.
I think my most recent bout with this un-nameable phenomenon began last Friday. I was looking forward to a fun filled weekend with my eleven-year-old best friends. Gina and I were to have eleven-year-old guests for the weekend as their parents were on a ski trip. I was a little nervous about the weekend because having PTSD makes me nervous about most things. This weekend also reminded me of the progress, or lack thereof, that I’ve made thus far. When the plans were made for the girls to stay with us I remember thinking, ‘Oh that’s weeks away. Surely I’ll be better by then.’ When Friday came and I was not 100% healed I did what I do best. I panicked. I was preparing a room for them and after realizing that I wasn’t completely better by my personal deadline I sat down and cried.
This PTSD episode began a little over three months ago. I know that math isn’t my strength, but if I am correct, by the end of February this crap has consumed about one-fourth of my year. I know I have made some significant steps since the beginning, but PTSD has so consumed my life. It is difficult for me to remember what my life was like just five months ago. I tried to remember this morning, but wound up feeling even worse about where I am now. I know that I spend a lot more time worrying. I also spend a lot more time suction-cupped to Gina’s behind (God bless her for her patience with me). I don’t allow myself to enjoy the little things. For some reason I have a hard time allowing myself to appreciate things that used to bring me so much joy. I used to love taking a nap in the middle of the day. I used to love going to Barnes and Noble just for the smell. I used to love daydreaming about adventures I might have in the future. Now I spend so much time being afraid of little things (that are magnified in my mind) that I don’t enjoy all that life offers. I used to daydream about grand adventures that involved traveling to other countries and experiencing all that God has provided. Now I worry that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I would panic and not have my psychiatrist or my therapist five minutes away.
I have spent so much of my life daydreaming. When I was younger and times at home would get really bad, I would daydream my way out of that situation. I would be years older and in college or I would be on some sort of adventure with my reliable dog by my side. I would daydream myself into other families with comfort and safety. Most of my daydreams involved having parents (mainly a mother) that would sit down with me and tell me everything would be okay. Obviously, my daydreams got me through the hard times. Right now daydreaming is next to impossible. If I do manage to squeeze in a daydream my PTSD shoots it down; sometimes before I can even finish the thought. I suppose that is one of the hardest parts about having PTSD. My daydreams were my hopes. PTSD shoots down my hopes and I am left with my deflated dreams piling up around my Chuck Taylors.
One of my cheerleaders posts the most amazing quotes as her facebook status. It’s incredible how many people they touch. Her current status is a quote by Marcel Pagnol, “The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.” Oh do I see so much truth in that. For my birthday, Gina gave me a necklace that says “never never never give up.” It is a quote from Winston Churchill. I think that is a pretty decent philosophy at this point. That phrase came up in church yesterday as well. We were singing You Are My All in All written by Dennis Jernigan. One verse is,
I suppose what I can take from this is to keep pushing. When my days are filled with fears I can keep trying to get through to comfort and peace. When my days are full of tears I can remember that the Lord will fill my cup and I will move on. When daydreams just won’t come or PTSD shoots them down I will hold tight to God’s word that He will get me through. I will hold on to the thread of hope that one day I will be daydreaming again. For right now I plan to “never never never give up.”
I think my most recent bout with this un-nameable phenomenon began last Friday. I was looking forward to a fun filled weekend with my eleven-year-old best friends. Gina and I were to have eleven-year-old guests for the weekend as their parents were on a ski trip. I was a little nervous about the weekend because having PTSD makes me nervous about most things. This weekend also reminded me of the progress, or lack thereof, that I’ve made thus far. When the plans were made for the girls to stay with us I remember thinking, ‘Oh that’s weeks away. Surely I’ll be better by then.’ When Friday came and I was not 100% healed I did what I do best. I panicked. I was preparing a room for them and after realizing that I wasn’t completely better by my personal deadline I sat down and cried.
This PTSD episode began a little over three months ago. I know that math isn’t my strength, but if I am correct, by the end of February this crap has consumed about one-fourth of my year. I know I have made some significant steps since the beginning, but PTSD has so consumed my life. It is difficult for me to remember what my life was like just five months ago. I tried to remember this morning, but wound up feeling even worse about where I am now. I know that I spend a lot more time worrying. I also spend a lot more time suction-cupped to Gina’s behind (God bless her for her patience with me). I don’t allow myself to enjoy the little things. For some reason I have a hard time allowing myself to appreciate things that used to bring me so much joy. I used to love taking a nap in the middle of the day. I used to love going to Barnes and Noble just for the smell. I used to love daydreaming about adventures I might have in the future. Now I spend so much time being afraid of little things (that are magnified in my mind) that I don’t enjoy all that life offers. I used to daydream about grand adventures that involved traveling to other countries and experiencing all that God has provided. Now I worry that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I would panic and not have my psychiatrist or my therapist five minutes away.
I have spent so much of my life daydreaming. When I was younger and times at home would get really bad, I would daydream my way out of that situation. I would be years older and in college or I would be on some sort of adventure with my reliable dog by my side. I would daydream myself into other families with comfort and safety. Most of my daydreams involved having parents (mainly a mother) that would sit down with me and tell me everything would be okay. Obviously, my daydreams got me through the hard times. Right now daydreaming is next to impossible. If I do manage to squeeze in a daydream my PTSD shoots it down; sometimes before I can even finish the thought. I suppose that is one of the hardest parts about having PTSD. My daydreams were my hopes. PTSD shoots down my hopes and I am left with my deflated dreams piling up around my Chuck Taylors.
One of my cheerleaders posts the most amazing quotes as her facebook status. It’s incredible how many people they touch. Her current status is a quote by Marcel Pagnol, “The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.” Oh do I see so much truth in that. For my birthday, Gina gave me a necklace that says “never never never give up.” It is a quote from Winston Churchill. I think that is a pretty decent philosophy at this point. That phrase came up in church yesterday as well. We were singing You Are My All in All written by Dennis Jernigan. One verse is,
“You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all”
I suppose what I can take from this is to keep pushing. When my days are filled with fears I can keep trying to get through to comfort and peace. When my days are full of tears I can remember that the Lord will fill my cup and I will move on. When daydreams just won’t come or PTSD shoots them down I will hold tight to God’s word that He will get me through. I will hold on to the thread of hope that one day I will be daydreaming again. For right now I plan to “never never never give up.”
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