Trigger: "The amygdala in the emotional center sees and hears everything that occurs to us instantaneously and is the trigger point for the fight or flight response" (Goleman).
Fight or Flight: "The body’s response to perceived threat or danger. During this reaction, certain hormones like adrenalin and cortisol are released, speeding the heart rate, slowing digestion, shunting blood flow to major muscle groups, and changing various other autonomic nervous functions, giving the body a burst of energy and strength" (Scott).
Have you ever had a moment when everything seems wonderful? The air smells good, you feel good, not everything is going your way, but you're okay with it....do you know it? Have you felt it? I can think of a time last week. Earlier in the week I was enjoying the smell in the air (thistle I think). The temperature was great. Not everything was perfect, but I was feeling pretty comfortable in my own skin. It was such a nice place to be.
At the end of last week a student at Beecher Junior High School committed suicide. Before and during my Unfortunate Period of Darkness my body would have physically jolted and my mind would have gone blank when given this information. I would have temporarily shut down...maybe for just a few seconds, but it would have happened. Strangely, I did not get the jolt or the blank numbness. As a result, I did not know how to respond. I tried to wrap my mind around the situation in time for my freshmen classes. We briefly talked about suicide and signs and I answered questions (the questions that had answers anyway). Still, I was not in a panic and I did not feel numb. I took this as a sign of great improvement. I mean, if I am not responding to something that normally instills great amounts of fear in me, then I must be getting a lot better.....right?
Not so much. The student's suicide was definitely a trigger for me. The only difference between this time and previous encounters with that horrible act is that my body did not immediately go into fight or flight mode. I made it through Friday. I made it through the majority of Saturday. By Saturday night I was starting to experience the repercussions of various triggers. By Sunday I did not notice the thistle. I did not feel well. I most definitely did not feel comfortable in my own skin.
The true irony of the situation is that I do not have an appointment with my therapist this week. At my last appointment we both decided that I was doing well enough to try every other week. I am frustrated by the situation, but find it slightly comical as well. OF COURSE I don't have an appointment this week.
At this point I am angry, scared, frustrated, annoyed, and slightly anxious. My goal is to get back to where I was earlier last week: peaceful, thankful, reflective, calm, and hopeful. I suppose this bump in the road does make sense. I need these times so I can learn how to deal with them. Unfortunately, knowing that the times are needed and useful does not make them any easier.
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