PTSD 6 - Who the Heck am I?

Well, life has been interesting that's for sure. I have had some significantly large steps forward and then a few unfortunate tumbles back. Fortunately, I still have God, Gina, and some really great friends to walk me through the rough patches. I have found that one of the hardest parts of dealing with PTSD, and the consequential side-effects, is trying to figure out who to be instead of who I have been for the past 20 years of my life. This is incredibly difficult. Maybe it should be easy or fun but right now it just isn't. There are times when I am so focused on trying to determine my PTSD-free identity that I lose focus on being PTSD free. I get depressed or overwhelmed by the thoughts of not really knowing who or what I should be. I feel like my high school students must feel: always trying out new identities to see which one could fit. Unfortunately, I have never been much of a shopper. My dad taught me to know what I want, go inside to find it, and GET OUT. He's not much for large crowds. I have been a quick in-and-out shopper for as long as I can remember. Shopping around for a new identity is not my idea of a good time. I feel like I'm stuck in a mall (much like Northfield) that has very limited shop choices and even then it's a small-town mall and the selection in each shop sucks. I have been told that our identities are ever-evolving. This is great news, but what am I evolving from? I get that people change throughout their lifetime, but is everyone so conscious of the transition?

Okay, so when I'm not whining about my life I've been thinking about who I think I am and who I seem to be at this point. Aren't you so lucky that I'm including you in on this personal journey of self-discovery.

Who I thought I was and Who I seem to be

Quiet Vocal when necessary and sometimes more than that
Fairly transparent animated and thus easy to read
Good at doodling but not drawing Good at doodling and not all that interested in drawing
A reader Definitely a reader and quite possibly a writer
Not good enough for certain people Good enough for God
Obsessed with Dogs Lover of animals in general and not obsessed with dogs
Not a talented singer This one's actually true
Really annoying to most people probably annoying to some but if they don't like me they don't need to be around me
Not a very nice person. Blunt to the point of being rude Definitely blunt but not always rude
Laughs too much laughs a lot and that's okay as long as it isn't hiding other emotions
An average teacher a good teacher when I am focused and motivated
Not worth the time of others just as worthy as anyone else
Lover of all things purple I actually like purple but I also like pink, green, blue, and more
Lover of giraffes I do like giraffes but I also like horses, panda bears, lions, and more

Okay...so that's a start in determining the who-I-was-and-who-I-seem-t

o-be issue. Some of it (i.e. favorite color and favorite animal) is a little on the basic side, but at least it's a start. I have been trying to determine some things I should try with the potentially new, but still essentially the same, me. Some possibilities are:

- working with horses somewhere (volunteering)
- writing more often
- being outside more
- getting more exercise but not necessarily working out at a fitness center - just moving more
- not feeling like I have to be obsessed with one particular thing to have an identity
- not feeling like I need to be some sort of social chameleon to belong with different groups of people
- continuing to come up with new things to try

This is probably one of the lesser exciting posts about PTSD (not that the others are thrilling) but this is real. This is part of healing from PTSD. This is what I'm dealing with. It may seem trivial or not worth stressing over but it's where I'm at right now.