PTSD 4 - The Mesmerizer

I am continuing on the road to self-discovery. I have continued to see Jon Dodds for EMDR. I did have one cognitive therapy session with him as well. On a quick side note, if you are looking for a good Christian counselor, I highly recommend Jon. He is caring and intuitive. I very much enjoyed the opportunity to just talk with him. With EMDR there is very little talk. We pause long enough for me to share the filmstrip that is gliding through my mind and then we move on. EMDR has been a very remarkable journey through my past. I have uncovered events that I am sure were diligently buried several years ago. I am confident that EMDR is helping my mind to unwind all of the tangled details of my history.

I have also been discussing my progress with my other therapist, Cheryl Wolf. I shared with Cheryl that I am still struggling with many of the fears and concerns that originally launched me into this world of therapy and self-discovery. Cheryl’s response was unexpected. She asked me if I still wanted to kick butt. I laughed, somewhat bitterly, at this question. Of course I still wanted to kick butt; I just wasn’t sure how possible this butt kicking would be. Cheryl’s suggestion made my breath catch and my heart skip. She wanted to try hypnotherapy. She wanted to hypnotize me. My first internal response was, ‘thank you for the suggestion, but let’s just stick with what we’ve got here.’ Instead, I let Cheryl explain the significance of hypnotherapy in the recovery process. I listened and made some mental notes. When she finished her explanation I asked her a few questions. ‘Have you ever been hypnotized? Has anything bad ever happened when you’ve hypnotized someone? Does it work for everyone?” Cheryl patiently answered each of my questions. She assured me that she has been hypnotized many times. Nothing bad has ever happened when she’s used hypnotherapy. She also explained that hypnotherapy is very effective, but everyone is different. I made an appointment for a hypnotherapy session and left thinking that I still had the option to call and cancel. I spent a few hours throughout the weekend doing research. I asked questions of others that practice or have had hypnotherapy. I concluded that there was no harm in trying.

The night before my hypnotherapy session I spent about an hour practicing yoga. I am not a devoted yogi, but I do enjoy a good child’s pose and the occasional warrior pose. I think spending time with my body the night before my session helped enormously. The day of my hypnotherapy was filled with a mixture of anxious excitement and nervousness. I tend to get my hopes up on new forms of therapy. Because part of my PTSD is having a case of the what-ifs, I spent the day what-ifing like a pro. The time for my appointment was drawing near and I found myself reading a book, Eat Pray Love by Liz Gilbert, that I’ve been working through. The chapters I read dealt greatly with meditation and the subconscious. How appropriate. I sat in the waiting room reading my book and trying to mentally quiet my body. Sooner than expected, Cheryl came out and we went back to her office. Cheryl had me lie on the couch (contrary to popular belief, clients do not always lie on the couch). The process was similar to guided imagery. Cheryl gently guided me in relaxing my body and allowing my subconscious to come to the forefront. At this point I will assure you that I was awake and aware the entire time. My eyes were closed and my body was relaxed, but I knew where I was and was cognizant of what I was saying and doing. With Cheryl as my guide, I walked through some of the more traumatic elements of my past. These events did not originally stand out to me as being extremely traumatic. I had seen and experienced worse, but these events had clearly affected the way I have thought and viewed myself for several years. When the hypnotherapy session ended and I was eased back to a more conscious awareness, I forced my heavy eyelids to open and sat up. It was not until this point that I realized how being hypnotized really felt. Throughout the session I thought, ‘This doesn’t feel much different from guided imagery.’ After sitting up I realized that I had been in a much deeper state of relaxation than I had originally thought.

So, the answer to the question that almost everyone asks: Did it work? Well, I don’t know yet. I have felt relaxed, but I am still nervous and watchful. I hope and pray that this will be a big step on my journey of self-discovery. More than that, I pray that this will be a key in my healing process.

PTSD 3 - A Journey of Self-Discovery

New Years Eve seems like the appropriate time to write about my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) journey. I have been thinking about the whole concept of New Year resolutions. I have seen several posts on Facebook about how 2010 is THE year for this or for that. I am deciding that 2010 is going to be my year of healing. This is turning into a bigger commitment than I would originally have thought.

As mentioned in a previous note, I have started a process called Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR). I have been to four sessions with Jon Dodds (http://www.jondoddscounseling.com). In my first session I told him about the main traumatic event in my life; or at least what seemed to be the most traumatic event in my life. Jon explained to me what the EMDR process is and we made plans to meet again the next week. During my second session, we started to work on the protocol of EMDR. I had to identify a feeling about myself that I wanted to change (i.e. I am afraid, I am not safe). I also had to identify a target image: an image that sort of represents my traumatic event and the statement about me. After having this image in mind Jon started the eye movements. Jon sits off to the side and moves two fingers back and forth in front of me at varying rates of speed. I know that this sounds strange or like I am being hypnotized, but it is actually not like that at all. I am completely cognizant throughout the entire process. During the first session I had a lot of trouble staying focused and it seemed like my brain was not willing to cooperate. I will admit that later that evening I was pretty disappointed. I felt like I had hit another brick wall. After some pep talks, I decided to go to my next appointment with an open mind. My third session with Jon was a lot more productive. We started the eye movements and it was amazing. We identified a target image and after Jon started the eye movements my brain took over. I am not really sure how to describe it, but it is sort of like a film strip of events going through my mind. Every now and then Jon would stop and I would discuss what I had seen. The memories came pouring in. It was a great session. The next morning I woke up and did not have that instant feeling of terror for the first time in months. It was beautifully reassuring. That first day after EMDR was like getting a cast off and not being sure if I could walk on my leg yet. I felt as though I was gingerly stepping through my day. While I was nervous about how I was feeling, it was a very nice break from my normally neurotically anxious mind.

This feeling lasted about a day and a half. I then entered what I refer to as the black hole. I felt like I was worthless. I felt like I had no function. I felt like I was destined for failure. Looking back on this I realize that this may have been part of a grieving process for me. Who am I without PTSD? If I don’t have these constant fears and anxieties then what will become of me? Who am I supposed to be without PTSD? It took a few days to hash through this, but I am starting to realize that me without PTSD can be someone that enjoys watching grass grow. I don’t have to change the world or be a crusader. I can be at peace with me and enjoy the life and the nature that God has created. This is a big concept for me. I am still trying to process it as I type this. My regular therapist, Cheryl Wolf, (www.integralhealercwolf.c

om) has been helping me work through the aftermath of the EMDR sessions. She also helps me to continue the healing process through cognitive therapy.

My fourth session with Jon took place on Tuesday. We discussed the black hole and how EMDR is working for me and then jumped into the eye movements. This session was similar to the previous one. My brain traveled along the filmstrip of events. Some of the events that came up were things I had completely forgotten about. Some of the events that came up were surprising. After going through the process I remember the events and know them to be true. They were just blocked in there somewhere. I know that now is the time to deal with them. I left this session feeling like someone had opened me up and said, “Here…this is who you were.” I felt lighter in some ways and sad in others. It seems that I will be grieving a bit after each session. Perhaps that is the point.

I think one of the hardest things I have had to do is go back to the place with all of these memories the day after EMDR. I went to visit my sister and my nephews. The night before my visit, I felt strong and courageous. The morning of my visit I felt like a frightened child. Gina and I made the journey back to Iowa. The entire event was surreal. I was physically in the place that I had just traveled to in my memory the previous day. I think I was physically and emotionally numb the entire time. I did get to see my sister and my nephews though and as we drove back to the lovely Bourbonnais, I could feel the anxiety and fears melting away. They did not melt away completely, but I definitely knew that I was headed to a safe and secure place.

So what am I learning from all of this? I am learning that God is here and is not leaving me. I am learning that, “He restores my soul; He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.” Psalm 23:3. I am learning that healing is a process. As the year 2010 approaches I plan to continue the healing process and push forward on my journey of self-discovery. I am admittedly scared, but I am excited at the same time.

PTSD - 2

As much as I would like to shout from the rooftops that I am cured from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I am not. I have good days and not-so-good days. Today would fall under the latter. I have made some significant steps with the help of all of the people that support me and of course God.

I have been going back to therapy. I see Cheryl Wolf, a wonderful and very empathetic therapist (www.integralhealercwolf.com). She has been helping me through cognitive therapy. In my sessions with Cheryl, we talk through how I am handling triggers. A trigger is something or someone that sets off a chain of associations, thoughts, emotions, and memories. She also helps me work through the aspects of PTSD that I do not understand. Cheryl is also very reassuring and answers any questions I have about thoughts or behavior.

I have also started to see a psychiatrist in town. I see Dr. Xu at Provena St. Mary’s Behavior Health Network. Dr. Xu works mainly with medication. He helps me to understand which medication would be best to help me and how to take it appropriately. He also helps me to understand side effects and the adjustments I will see as a result of the medication. I see him every few weeks to talk about how the medication is working. If I need an adjustment in medication he will take care of that. I have only seen him twice, but so far he is pretty nice. He has prescribed a new medication to help me work through the symptoms of PTSD and the subsequent depression. I will readily admit that in the beginning I was hesitant about taking medication. I have had several conversations with people about it. I have come to the conclusion that there is medication for colds and the flu. We have medications for headaches and stomach pains. Why not take a medication that will help relieve the symptoms of PTSD and depression? Few have argued that this type of medication is not necessary and should not be taken. My response to them is to come back and talk to me when they have been dealing with an issue like this for a week or two (or in my case years).

The next step in my recovery process is trying something new. I am willing to confess that I am very nervous about this step. I am seeing another therapist, in addition to Cheryl, that specializes in a process called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). EMDR “attends to the past experiences that have set the groundwork for pathology, the current situations that trigger dysfunctional emotions, beliefs and sensations, and the positive experience needed to enhance future adaptive behaviors and mental health. During treatment various procedures and protocols are used to address the entire clinical picture. One of the procedural elements is ‘dual stimulation’ using either bilateral eye movements, tones or taps. During the reprocessing phases the client attends momentarily to past memories, present triggers, or anticipated future experiences while simultaneously focusing on a set of external stimulus. During that time, clients generally experience the emergence of insight, changes in memories, or new associations. The clinician assists the client to focus on appropriate material before initiation of each subsequent set” (EMDR Institute, Inc.) If you want more information on this process you can go to www.emdr.com. I will be seeing Mr. Jon Dodds for this therapy (www.jondoddscounseling.com). Therapists have to go through training to become certified to use EMDR. The therapist that I currently go to does not have that certification. I am lucky that Mr. Dodds is willing to work alongside my current therapist. So far I have only spoken with Mr. Dodds on the phone. He seems very nice. I am very nervous about going and about attempting the EMDR process. Confronting the issues head on that terrify me the most is not something I look forward to.

So why am I writing about this? I have a few reasons. First, I want people to know that while this is a scary issue, it does not need to be hidden. This is also not a problem to be ashamed of. I am not proud of having PTSD, but I do not feel that it needs to be hidden. I have it. It is here and it is part of what makes me who I am. I also want people to understand my never-ending pleas for prayer. This is a terrifying time for me. Every now and then I will have a moment where my body completely relaxes. Almost every time that happens I get a text or an instant message saying that someone is praying for me. That is proof to me that prayer works and that God is, in fact, here with me. I have times when I doubt. I have doubted a few times today to tell the truth. The important part is that deep down I know that He is here and He is carrying me through this. I know this must be true because I am still getting out of bed and I am still pushing through the day. I am pretty sure that this would not be happening if God was not carrying me through. Finally, I write this because it is somewhat therapeutic. It makes me feel a little relieved to see it all written down. I am not completely able to release it, but I think that when I write this all down I am able to give up a small part of the load that I am carrying.

Thank you to all who been so supportive.

Something New!

I am excited to announce that I will be attempting something new. I am going to try to learn how to quilt. This probably isn't thrilling news for many, but I am pretty excited about it. I have so many ideas floating around in my head. I cannot wait to try them all out. So far I have learned some quilting vocabulary. For example I now know that:

batting is the lining between the top and the bottom layers of the quilt.

binding is the part that finishes off the edge of the quilt.

lattice is the fabric that frames each block of the quilt.

Okay, so it's not a vaulting start, but it's something, right? I have been emphatically looking at different patterns (very easy ones) and different types of fabric. I have been looking at the possibility of using a quilt kit to start. Mostly I have been daydreaming like you wouldn't believe. But then, daydreaming is what I do best.

One of the best pieces of news to come from this is that there may be a Stitch-n-Bitch group forming. This is fantastic news! How much more fun will it be to figure this all out while spending time with friends!

Wish me luck. I have big plans!

adults

I am extremely tired of trying to deal with life in the adult world. I am thankful for my everyday issues and the happenings of each new adventure, but I must say that I am truly confused by what I can only assume is human nature. Why must adults always act as though they have no clue about life. I spend a fair amount of time with children and have found that their dealings with the heavy issues makes so much more sense.

Rather than beat around the bush, I will simply get to the point. I don't understand some of my co-workers when they act out in angry, teenage-like gestures. I don't understand when people say that they are being supportive and then turn and walk away. I literally had someone come on chat today and tell me that if I felt like talking he/she is a good listener. I started typing my response and this person signed off. What was that?!

At this point in time I prefer eleven-year-olds. Simplicity Simplicity Simplicity!

Days like today and posts like this make me glad that no one reads this blog. I just need to vent and publish.

PTSD - 1

So here it is. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. I was diagnosed with this thorn in my side when I was about sixteen years old. At that time I was given medication to help me work through the symptoms, but I really didn’t get any counseling for my PTSD. Looking back I can’t imagine why someone didn’t recommend I be put in counseling specifically for PTSD. In my defense I was only sixteen and I didn’t really understand what to do. In everyone else’s defense I had struggled with an eating disorder and had been in counseling for that, so they probably didn’t think pursuing anything further was necessary. Either way the counseling for PTSD didn’t happen.

For those of you that are hearing about PTSD for the first time, according to The Nebraska Department of Veterans’ Affairs, “PTSD, or Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, is a psychiatric disorder that can occur following the experience or witnessing of a life-threatening events such as military combat, natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious accidents, or physical or sexual assault in adult or childhood. Most survivors of trauma return to normal given a little time. However, some people will have stress reactions that do not go away on their own, or may even get worse over time. These individuals may develop PTSD. People who suffer from PTSD often relive the experience through nightmares and flashbacks, have difficulty sleeping, and feel detached or estranged, and these symptoms can be severe enough and last long enough to significantly impair the person’s daily life.”

My life threatening experience was an accumulation of events from my childhood. I believe the hub of this disorder is rooted in my step-mother’s attempted suicide. This is a life-threatening event that I witnessed, so it would make sense for it to be a major contributor to my PTSD. My step-mother survived her attempt, but assured everyone that she would, in fact, try again. This happened when I was thirteen years old. Upon her return home, I spent every moment expecting to find her dead. I was not sure how she would attempt to end her life so my mind began to see everything as an opportunity for her to finish what she’d started. I would walk very slowly around corners looking for shadows and listening for any indication of what might be waiting for me. I was on watch every moment of every day. While this was all frightening, I was also terrified that she would hurt me or even my father. I had overheard someone say that if she can do that to herself, imagine what she could do to someone else. Therefore, when I was not watching to see if I would walk in on her second attempt, I was watching my back at every turn to be sure that she wasn’t after me or my dad. Obviously, this was a terrifying time. It lasted solidly from when I was thirteen to when I was eighteen and able to leave.

So I lived. I left. I went to college. I earned a bachelor’s and then a master’s degree; both related to education. I am not married. I do not have children. I do have a wonderful roommate. She is my sister in Christ and I love her dearly. I have a beautiful family in her and her two beautiful children. I have a wide spread support system. I go to a lovely church that is filled with some truly lovely people. I have a job that is stressful at times, but can be rewarding. My life is filled with beautiful blessings. Why then am I stuck in the past? Why am I dwelling on what is over and done with? The answer to that question is agonizingly simple: because my brain won’t let me do anything else. The thorn in my side that is PTSD will not release the images of what I lived through. Instead my brain replays the horrific events of my past as if it is stuck on repeat. I have nightmares and flashbacks. I have anxiety attacks. I have debilitating fears. While I have physically moved on to a safer and more beautiful surrounding, my brain has remained trapped in the past.

So now what? Do I just live this way? Is my life always going to be enveloped in fear? Can my past really control my future? The answer to all of these questions is painfully complex. I can take medication to help with the symptoms. I can receive cognitive therapy to work through my past and the symptoms of my PTSD. I can push through each day and continue to fight for freedom and peace of mind. I do not have to live my life this way forever. It may seem that way at times, but I do not have to be trapped in my past for the rest of my life. My past can control my future, but only if I let it. What my step-mother did not know all of those years is that in between the torturous fear that she created I was praying and calling on God. I was developing a support system. I was making plans for my future. I was educating myself and pursuing a life outside of the abusive walls she was putting up. What she didn’t know is that I’m a fighter. Not physically, though I would like to think I could hold my own, but mentally and emotionally. I’m a fighter and I have the most amazing support on my side: Jesus.

I AM SPARTACUS

Life is taking a slight turn. My roommate is currently getting her master's degree in professional/school counseling. She says I'm having an early mid-life transition (aka midlife crisis). Because I am so confused, I have decided to agree. My life was consumed with volunteer work up until June/July.

I was fostering dogs. I still seem to have more than just four dogs in my house, but I'm not officially fostering anymore. Right now I have a gorgeous eleven-year-old German Shepherd. His name is Spartacus. He is looking for a home. Interested?

I was working as a hotline/hospital crisis volunteer for a sexual assault center. The work I did there was almost more aggravating than rewarding. I know that not all volunteer work is meant to be rewarding, but I didn't really feel like I was helping anyone. I had an extremely negative experience with an ER doctor and since then I have just felt a little useless.

I am currently a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate). I would love to vent about this, but unfortunately I'm not supposed to. I will just say that I feel like the system is keeping me from doing anything helpful or useful.

I pretty much feel useless all around. I know this is turning into a "poor me" post, but I am just trying to explain where my early onset midlife-transition is coming from.

Anyway...I am currently trying to "find myself." I have no idea how I am going to go about doing that.